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The Sequel: Wonders of the Sewerage System

All is quiet below street level. Occasionally, the slight squeal of a rat could be heard amongst the slight drip, drip, drip of a burst sewer pipe.

Suddenly ......

Screeeeeeeeeeeech!!!! A manhole cover is flung aside by a blonde haired brat.

LESTAT: Brunettes first!

LOUIS: *sighs* Are you sure we should do this?

ARMAND: Why not? What the vampire wants, the vampire gets.

LOUIS: *clambers carefully down a rusty set of stairs and jumps into a pooy puddle* That's my best pair of flannel trousers!

LESTAT: Do stop moaning, Louis! *jumps down beside Louis, and splashes Louis' leg*

LOUIS: Would you be careful, Lestat? I will have to bathe in disinfectant for a week after this.

ARMAND: *sleekly makes his way down the stairs, and slides beside Louis* Something smells absolutely rancid down here.

LESTAT: That would be a thousand sighs of relief, that smell. I've watched mortals pooing for centuries. Its highly entertaining watching their faces scrunch and their teeth grind.

LOUIS: *leans over the nearest puddle, and watches a small stream of dirty water flow past him* This is positively revolting!

LESTAT: Careful you don't fall in! No disinfectant would make me touch you for years after falling in that!

ARMAND: I'll touch you, poo stained or no.

LOUIS: Maybe I should collect a specimen for Marius.


LOUIS: In case he needs an example with our next flushing lesson.

LESTAT: I would rather buy a fake poo from a joke shop. At least they don't smell like that!

ARMAND: Fake poo's don't flush. They are made out of plastic and have air inside. It would bob on the water and refuse to be flushed away.

LOUIS: That's horrible! Unflushable poo!

ARMAND: *sighs with rememberance* I can't remember pooing, when I was mortal ....

LESTAT: Be glad. I had piles one year. I still remember that, even to this day!

LOUIS: I remember I used to make little ones, that flew like bullets into the hole ...

ARMAND: Too much information there, Louis.

LESTAT: Mine used to be accompanied with wind that would have made fanfare pale in comparison.

ARMAND: Lestat!

LESTAT: *starts splashing in a few puddles, just for the hell of it*

LOUIS: Maybe we should follow this little river, and see where it flows to?

ARMAND: Are you sure? Marius won't let us back in the house if our boots are any dirtier than this.

***a mental message assaults Louis and Lestat. From Marius. It says "Don't think I am letting boots with poo back into the house. Go bathe in a fountain in the moonlight first"***

LOUIS: Armand, Mar ..... *Louis is cut short by Lestat's hand gagging his mouth*

LESTAT: What Louis was going to say is, Marius will be absolutely delighted to have us back again!

LOUIS: *cuts Lestat a vicious stare* What are you doing?

LESTAT: Having some fun.

ARMAND: Well, let's follow the stream then.


Half hour later ....

LESTAT: *moans* How long have we been walking now?

LOUIS: Two minutes on top of the last time you asked me!

ARMAND: Maybe we should head on back. It looks like the Sewerage Works might be hard to locate.

LOUIS: How do we get back? Do either of you know the way home?

ARMAND and LESTAT look blankly at Louis.

LOUIS: Oh, that's perfect! We are lost in sewer tunnels, and something the size of Rhode Island just floated past my foot!

ARMAND: We should find a manhole cover. That way, we can climb to freedom. Not even Les Innocents smelt this bad.

LOUIS: There is one, right over there! *points to his left*

LESTAT: Let's go then!

*all three rather dirty and smelly vampires make their way up to street level*

LESTAT: Where are we?

LOUIS: In the middle of many mortals who are thinking we smell absolutely awful. I've never felt so embarrassed in my life.

ARMAND: I'm going home to change.

LESTAT: *giggles* We'll see you there.

ARMAND: What are you two going to do?

LESTAT: Play in the fountain for a while.

ARMAND: *looks bizarrely at LESTAT and LOUIS, then walks off on his own*

LOUIS: Wasn't that rather cruel? Marius will give him such a spanking when he walks through the door with pooy boots!

LESTAT: *grins naughtily* Hahahaha!

LOUIS: *sighs* Come on, let's go find ourselves a water feature ....

*Louis suddenly trips and sprawls face forward into a large puddle of rain water*

LESTAT: You have the lives of a cat!

ARMAND: Yes, it could have been much worse.

LOUIS: *scrambles to his feet, nimbly* What tripped me up?

LESTAT: That dead guy, there.

LOUIS: Revolting! Even bodies get flushed down here!

ARMAND: I think he actually came down here to have a dump.

LESTAT: Why? Why not use the public toilets?

ARMAND: Maybe he has too much trouble flushing his waste products. Maybe it sticks to the bowl. Who knows!

LOUIS: *leans close to the man* Looked like he suffered a hideous death!

LESTAT: That would be squeezing too hard. He imploded! Its happened before. Mortals are always warned not to squeeze too hard, else it may give them a heart attack.

ARMAND: Your punning, right?

LESTAT: No, its true. Death from Poo. Its not a common cause of death, but its not unknown.

LOUIS: Poor soul. He came down here to relieve himself, and died of over crapping.

LESTAT: Yeah *sniggers* Imagine what they'd write on his gravestone.

ARMAND: *dryly* In life I couldn't take the crap, my death wasn't any different.

LOUIS: Stop this! The poor man. I think we should bury him, what do you think?

LESTAT: I'm not touching that!

ARMAND: Lestat is right, Louis. You don't know where he's been, and what's crawling underneath him.

LOUIS: *shudders*

ARMAND: I saw a rat peek its head out a short while ago, from beneath his buttocks.

LOUIS: *pales* A rat?

ARMAND: *looks concerned* Yes, why?

LESTAT: *grins* Louis has a phobia. He hates rats.

ARMAND: Why is that?

LESTAT: Remember when he was first made, when he was only eating rats and small animals?

Armand: Not personally, but yes, I do remember from Daniel's novel.

LESTAT: Well, one evening ... when he was about to tuck into a juicy rat ... well, it bit him before he could sink his fangs. Right on the nose. He looked like a clown for three days whilst the wound healed.

LOUIS: I refuse to talk about that dreadful night any further!

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